Invalid File Type
< blog main
The Bunny is railing at Donald Trump. We live next to Donald Trump's Country Club and Golf Couse and they were blowing their leaves into our garden. She got so excited she called the GM and let him know her thoughts.
As I'm leaving she says, "Don't mess with the Cajun! Donald's goin' down!"
Update: The Bunny just called. The General Manager came by and gave her a tour in a golf cart of the entire course, complete with waterfalls. Smart man.
Meet the wife
We're talking about New Orleans. Cynthia loves her home town, but for different reasons than most would think. She sips her coffee briefly, "It's just like drive thru daquiris, they're practical."
We're at a party in Old Town Alexandria. We're sitting outside on the patio talking about eatiing healthy.
Cynthia chimes in, "If you're from New Orleans, you know that alcohol and sugar are part of the five major food groups."
The wife and I are getting ready. I randomly ask her, "Do you love me?" She stops what she's doing, walks over and gets in under my arms, body to body.
She looks at me and says, "Velcro."
Cynthia is railing about "The Wolfman" which we've just seen on pay per view.
"Somebody must have stayed up at night and come up with ways to make that movie bad. With all those good actors and actresses, they had to go out of their way to make that movie bad."
I had barley paid attention to it. "You didn't even look up from typing on the computer, that's how bad it was."
The Bunny has just used some earthy language in our conversation.
She looks at me and drawls, "I'm from the south. Cussing is like iambic pentameter to us."
I've just checked the 10 Ways Facebook page.
"Honey, we already have a bunch of fans, and they are all teenagers. I thought we'd be skewing higher age wise."
She's holding a coffee and she drawls, "That's perfecto. I'd love to reach women before they get all effed up."
My wife is sitting close. Too close for the moment. I'm fidgeting. Cynthia continues to skootch next to me. "I'm invading, and conquering, your personal space," she smiles and winks, "I'm like Alexander the Great."
Cynthia is quering me extensively about something technical I'm doing. She likes likes to know every last little thing.
Then she says it - the most revealing comment of our entire marriage - "Maybe I'm not answering my questions properly."
I just start laughing.
Cynthia is walking down a long set of stairs at BEA. I'm not wearing heals so I'm slightly ahead of her as usual.
She lightly grabs my arm. "Never give up the stairs."
"Ah yes, Gone With the Wind."
Cynthia and I are milling about in the Javitz Center at BEA before a meeting with a publisher.
Cynthia walks up to me, "A big handsome black man just told me I looked like a beautiful opera diva."
She continues, "I was sitting there kvetching about how I looked. Just goes to show you what you're thinking on the inside is not what people are seeing on the outside."
We're at a Hampton Inn in Maryland on the way to New York. We're sitting in the lobby getting ready to leave.
"Are you going to get the car?" she askes.
"Honey the car is right there outside the door pratically." I said.
"I'm going to forget that you said that and live in my illusion." she replies while fixing her dress.
One day I looked at my yet to be wife, "You know you have two different colored eyes?"
She looked at me and dead-panned, "Really? I never noticed."
I told her that David Bowie has two different colored eyes as well.
"Strange things come in strange packages" she replied.
My wife wrote me an email, expressing her love and telling me what she needed. She calls to follow up and askes, "Did you get my email?" We discuss for a bit. She concludes, "I need tender. Do you know how to be tender?" Before I can finish she instructs me, "Go take a class." Wink.
"Fred supervises then naps for a bit, then supervises and naps some more." Cynthia is talking about our cat Fred. Anyone who's met Fred likes him. I even occassionally tweet as Fred. He has more followers than most people.
"You should aspire to be Fred." As she walks off I realize she's right.
Visit the wife
My wife and I are driving to the New Orleans airport and we pass a billboard that says, "COMPLETE HERBAL AND DETOX CENTER, PARADISE ADULT VIDEO" She looks at me and says, "That's why we're all demento down here."
"That Nasty Bug. That's the only thing I'll kill." My wife is expounding her views on the stink bugs that have plagued the east coast now for several months. Literally everyone has them in their house and we have one on the TV. She says this, but it's always me who has to dispatch the poor little creatures.
Visit the wife
"You want more Goldfish?" I ask the Bunny, as I point to the empty papel towel which only moments before was piled with Goldfish. "They all swam away.." She laughs out loud.
Meet the wife
"Did you hear that? And you wonder why I'm half crazy all the time." My wife and I are sitting in the office. She is on hold with Blue Cross Blue Satan. We are listening to endless commericals about sleep apnea, how they'll be right with us, and how they give to the community. "I don't want them to give to the community! I want them to lower my rates! These people have more money than dirt!"
Meet the wife
"Great movie." The Bunny is making a comment about Altered States. We've been on a kick recently, watching it three or four times in as many months."It's a great movie." She continues, "It only took me twenty years to understand it."
Meet the wife
My wife is puttering in the ktichen. I'm watching the Tsuami coverage waiting for something to happen. "I don't trust the press. They try to make something out nothing, and nothing out of something."
Meet the wife
We're in the office finishing up the most recent book. "What do you think about these, they're a little strange..." Cynthia is looking at shoes on Amazon. The Bunny had just taken a tumble on the ice breaking the heal of her favorite shoes. "Don't buy something just because you have..." I start. "Shoe remorse?" she replies.
Meet the wife
"You know that Mexican coke you bought?"my wife intones. "Yes, they keep their fizz over night" I reply. She continues, "American cokes lose their fizz too fast. I think it's so we have to open a new one to get more fizz. I think it's a plot."
Meet the wife
There's tin foil hanging on the wall. We've had some roof leaks after the snowpacalype. I've channeled the drips into buckets using an ingenious combination of Reynolds tin foil and scotch tape.
My wife grabs some water bottles that have accumulated on the nightstand. "What do you think, we're in the movie Signs here? We have like six bottles of water up here..."
"And tin foil," I respond. "We could make hats."
She walks off, Sonic toothbrush whizzing away in her mouth, "Swing away Merrill...Swing away..."
Meet the wife
"I think I like squirrels because they are so polite," my wife explains. She's expounding on her animal husbandry philosophy as she feeds her herd of squirrels peanuts in the morning. "They just stand there with their little hands folded patiently waiting. Dogs jump, cats whine, squirrels are so polite. I like them."
"That movie should have sub-titles" says my wife. "You can't understand a thing he says." When she makes this comment, I know it's code for me to speak more loudly and clearly.
My wife and I, like all couples, have developed some serious shorthand in communicating. We have a running joke about Heath Ledger in Brokeback Mountain, and the quasi-guttaral mumble that qualified as dialogue throughout the movie. We call him, the "hashusmsheumsshumssshmm" man.
This morning my wife announced we should start a secret club. Under the covers we inducted each other, our cat Fred, and then came up with a secret handshake.
My wife woke up this morning an announced with a smile on her face, "I just realized you're not an a-hole. You just explain things badly."
E-mail this!
